My name is Rhi.

Actually it’s Rhian, and technically my name is only four letters long. The Welsh alphabet is 28 letters long, and rh is a letter all of it’s own. You need to roll your tongue to say the letter properly.

I don’t like being called Rhian sometimes, because I hear people calling my name on the street, or in the night. Shouting at me. Sometimes I still hear my dad yelling at me in the dark or in the street. None of this is real or course, it’s all in my head, a fear left over from childhood. It’s not as bad as it used to be, in fact it’s been a few weeks since it’s happened.

My surname is Williams. I don’t like it that much, it’s not a good thing to be a Williams. Not these Williams. Even my granddad, who was always good to me, was not always good to others in his own family. He and his brother didn’t speak, and while I know more than most in my family about his parents, I do know very little. The surname to me means family dysfunction and general dysfunction at life.

There’s much proof to it, in his generation, my dad’s generation and now mine. We have hope for the kids, my nephew, my cousins little girls. We’re determined that they have good lives, have better chances, hell better parents (well, my mum and Jay are great). Though we’ve already done better in some ways, we talk. I don’t how long it was that my granddad and his brother didn’t speak before my great-uncle died. I don’t know how long it’s been since my dad and uncle spoke either. years and years. We talk, get together, and even when we don’t get together, we’re thinking about each other, talking about each other with which ever sister/cousin/brother we’re with. When we get together, it’s like we’ve never been apart, and we’re always making sure the other is going to be okay. It’s good, there’s are four of us, spread across the country.

So, I don’t like people to right my name down as Rhi W or Rhian W. I don’t want to be designated by surname, I dislike being anything more than Rhian really. And I don’t like being that sometimes, just cause I’m awkward. I only like being labelled on my terms.

I wouldn’t change my name though, not when I married, not my dead pole. Only if I had to go into witness protection.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *