You know what I hate. Doctors. I hate them. Okay not all of them. Some of them. Lots of them.
But the doctors that I hate the most are the ones that ask me questions, listen to my answers, then completely ignore everything I say. Yes, please, ignore my fifteen years experience with insomnia and try and trump me with your seven years of medical training. Because medical training means that I must be wrong, that everything I just said must be bollocks, that giving me an A4 sheet of paper, instructing me to do all the things I’ve tried over the years, will help me get to sleep at night.
All I wanted was some sleeping tablets.
I know the problem with that, with sleeping in tablets. They don’t always work, they don’t work long term, they’re addictive, they have side effects, I know all that. Long time user. Longer time insomniac. I know what I need. I don’t know everything, I’m not a doctor, but seriously, if I thought routine, a hot bath, not drinking caffeine before six (or whenever), I’d do it. I have done it. Okay, not the bath thing, a shower, but same difference. I’m not a drug seeker, I just want to sleep. I’m not addicted to sleeping tablets, I’m just addicted to being able to sleep at night. You know like everyone else.
I’d be so much angrier if the doctor hadn’t given me the sleeping tablets, as well as the shitty advice.
Why don’t they listen to me? Why? I’ve had insomnia on and off and on and etc since I was thirteen. Mostly it’s regulated to random bouts every few months, starting with some PMS induced insomnia and then not ending so I’m not sleeping.
I go to the doctors, to get some drugs, to get some sleep. To restart my sleeping pattern. It helps, usually. Not always, I’ll admit it. And I’ve had to step up the medication. Zopiclone doesn’t work any more, though I’ve been taking it on and off for years.
When I’m not sleeping, I’m lying there thinking. And thinking is bad.
I always get the same question ‘how is your mood?’. Which is fine, I’m borderline, and on medication and my mood isn’t always fine. But it was. I’m not struggling to sleep, because I’m depressed, or anxious, or whatever, I’m just struggling to sleep. Randomly. Cause my brain doesn’t work, and it’s green, and whatever. I had a bad week last week, a good week this week. This week I can’t sleep. Random.
But the sleep will effect my mood. I’m not saying it’s never insomnia –> depression, but in this case, I could already feel it. With the anxiety, it all builds up, the lack of sleep making it worse as I lie there awake all night thinking about all the things I’m anxious about, or all the reasons I could be depressed about. Until morning, when I fall asleep for a couple of hours.
But I have the tablets, and I’ve had two nights half decent sleep (it’s a work-in-progress) and next week I’ll have caught up on my lost sleep. I even got up a reasonable hour today. Reasonable for me.