The last post I wrote was pretty hard to write, which considering I have a whole category for mental health problems, talk about my family and my self harm and pretty much anything and everything I think about – not counting the poetry I write – is probably pretty surprising to you. To me not so much, but then, I’m me – I know me – I know what I’m thinking obviously.
Well, I usually know what I’m thinking though not always why.
Anyway, there are a couple of things I don’t talk about. One is sex, two is my relationship with my wife (which also includes any and all current sex). The reason I don’t talk about sex is not because I’m a prude but it’s just never been something I’ve spoken about. I think because my sex life can be categorised in three stages sex with the ex – single and getting none – sex with the wife. So, I don’t really want to talk about my ex, so that sort of includes the sex – which was fine but comes with all those complicated feelings that I still feel like I’m working through. Being single doesn’t really involve having any sex – so hard to talk about what you’re not having. And sex with the wife is private, and brings us on to point two: My relationship with my wife.
My relationship with my wife is the one thing in my world that is private, my own, our own. Which includes the sex. Plus I doubt my wife would want me to talk about our relationship. Talking our wanting a baby, trying to get a baby, the top layer of everything is fine I guess, the rest isn’t fine with me anyway. It’s too much, too intimate, too important – not that everything else isn’t important or any less important (like my health, or my words, or my childhood) but Kate Ellen is the most important person in my life, in my world and that isn’t something I even want to share. Beyond that I can’t really explain it. Not in a way that doesn’t make me sound a bit psycho or dependent or like a toddler. It’s all mine, it’s not yours.
I know, I know.
I’m not even sure why I’m basically writing about what I won’t write about.
When I first thought about this post, maybe a year ago even, it seemed like a simple enough thing. And when I thought about it again last week it seemed clearer but now it’s just a mish-mash of thoughts that I can’t quite straighten out.
Oh well, such is the state of many of these blog posts.