There are a million things going on in the world that I want to be involved in. A million problems that I want to help solve. I am anti bullying, anti rape, anti misogyny, anti homophobia, anti racism. I’m a feminist, a mental health advocate and agnostic. I want to fix everything for everyone. I want to save my friends.
I cannot save my friends.
It’s not my responsibility to do so, but all those things, rape and bullying, and mental health problems, I’ve seen the consequences of those things first hand. Watched people crumble from them, felt the consequences myself. Lost people to the after effects of those things and that is not okay.
I never know what to focus on. I read a million blogs and websites every day about all these problems that really hit to the core of who I am as a person, as a woman, as a bisexual/lesbian, as a human fucking being. Sexism at game expos, blokes getting away with rape and slut shaming, kids getting bullied online and being unable to break away, step away, get away from it without killing themselves. I spent three weeks before going to the US worrying about people targeting me and my wife with homophobic remarks for holding hands. Spent three weeks in the US waiting for someone to target us. Not that we’re so lucky here, but this is home turf, just try me…
I don’t understand half these things, rape and racism, and can’t contain some of my anger and sadness at it all. And worst of all is I feel like I can’t really do anything to change any of it. To help anyone. I sort of bob about in my own little world, trying to keep me and my wife level, and my bills paid and my animals happy and my sister in free babysitting and the kids in books and I can’t stop Orson Scott Wells from being a homophobic bastard and people buying is books, I can’t stop women from being objectified in comics and games, can’t stop The Daily Mail making wild accusations and telling lies about how much is actually costs the NHS to get a sex change and immigration and refugees and I can’t stop people believing those lies. I can’t even stop my own aunt from believing all the crap that goes around people on benefits.
I can’t stop losing people to all the horrible things in the world, and I can’t cope with all the horrible things in the world. All I can do is huddle in the warmth of my relationship with my wife as the one true thing I can guarantee will never let me down or make me sad.
It’s not okay, I am not okay. I slept too long and too sadly.
I can not take on the world, but I don’t feel like I can take on anything at all and all around me everything and everyone crumbles with or without me.