I don’t know how many times I have to say it, I don’t do New Years. I hate it, and I think the whole mentality around it is pointless.
Thing is, people don’t always want to hear it. I mean, for starters, I don’t actually know why I hate New Years Eve so much. There’s something so deep inside me, down to my very soul, that suffers at New Years but I don’t know why, when or where it started. It’s in that dark place, where everything I’ve forgotten is hidden. The worst of some things.
Oh and names.
There are a few awful things that have happened at New Years I can remember – some bad new years eves that do play on my memory, that pop back up as soon as Christmas is done with and threaten my recovered mental health.
I’ve cried through a lot of new years eves, drank through a whole bunch too. One year I drank so much I ran out of lager, so we decided to drink some wine. Except we didn’t have a corkscrew so we used a drill and then filtered the wine through a coffee filter. I can’t remember if I had to work the next day. I can’t remember much. I probably self- harmed.
I used to tell that story to make people laugh. It’s not funny though. I drank to try and forget how bad I felt. Not that it worked. Not that it ever worked. I don’t drink any more. Had a couple of beers at the work Christmas dinner. Two at Thanksgiving. That’s me for the year. Anyway.
That feeling, that something is wrong with me, my soul, my heart – I feel it every year. It never dulls, never lessens and only ends about half way through January. Unless I’ve been very busy at the beginning of January, enough to forget how sick I feel, how sick the world makes me feel.
The only thing that changes it how I cope with it, how I deal with all. That improves, that changes, day to day I manage well enough. I distract myself, I try and talk about it. I write slightly rambling blog posts and repeat the words – “I don’t do New Years” a lot. Mostly I try and treat it like any other day. I rarely stay up any more unless I’m watching something, I often have my niece and nephew, so I spend the evening with them. Get up the next day like it’s any other day. Tea, internet, xbox or work.
Secondly, the other thing I hate about it are the improvements we are forced to make by society every January. Get fit, give up smoking, lose weight. Change this, change that. There are a couple of things wrong with this.
One, people can rarely be successfully forced to give up or drastically change their lifestyle. They have to want to do it, to be ready to do so. It’s okay if they’ve gone “You know what, it’s January I think I want give up smoking, I’ll finally do it,” but less so if a person has gone, “I suppose I should give up smoking.” Anyone who thinks they should do something, probabally isn’t going to get very far.
Not always the case, I know, but more likely.
Plus, if you needed to do something in January you probably needed to do it June, so why didn’t you. What stopped you then that’s suddenly different now? Without a reason, if nothing is different, then nothing will be different when you try to give up or change.
I should give up crisps and biscuits and that but I probably won’t cause I’m not ready. I needed to give up Diet Coca Cola long ago but have only just managed it – because not it makes me ill now. These past few months it’s just churned my stomach up. If I had tried in January, I would not have done so well.
Same when I gave up self harming, same as when I tried to clean my head up. It’s why some people managed and recovered after therapy and some people didn’t. I was ready to change my entire life. You have to be ready.
Having this January bullshit shoved down your throat will not make a damn bit of difference.
Plus it’s bloody winter. Who wants to get fit and healthy when it’s cold. Wait until June and it’s warmed up a bit. You might not want comfort food when it’s so nice and sunny and you’re getting all the vitamin D you need. When it’s so nice and sunny you can actually leave the house to exercise or get some fresh air.
So for me, it’s Thursday – the only real difference being that I worked today and I usually have Thursdays off. I have a three day weekend instead of working. Little is different. I won’t be staying up to watch anything on TV, maybe a film, I don’t plan on even staying up that long – I’m far too tired.
Enjoy yourself as the numbers roll over if nothing else. I’ll be asleep.