I’ve always hated the term personality disorder. I mean, I’m a nice person, I don’t screw people over. My lies are white and my sins non-existent. I’m polite, I’m well-informed, I try my best not to judge anyone. I don’t care if people are black, white, gay or trans*, I care that people are good and interesting and treat me (and my family) with respect. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I watch TV with my wife and read and write and have a few collections of bits and bobs. Including an increasing collection of funny looking stuffed creatures with interesting names. Like the gay hedgehog Gunther and Hubert the dinosaur. I like sci-fi and cop shows, strong female characters, and super hero films. I listen to everything from Opera to Deathcore, I like learning about everyone and everywhere. I sleep too much, I really like sleep. I take my pills, I wear my hormone patch. I look after my sisters kids when she needs me to. I look after my sisters kids even when she doesn’t need it. I call my mother. I talk to my in-laws. I volunteer at Oxfam. And do the housework. And even when I didn’t do my housework, how is that about my personality?
It bugs me from time to time. I don’t care about the borderline bit, it’s the personality bit that gets me. I’m a nice person, a bit weird, but nice enough. But my personality as I see it is disordered. Apparently.
I prefer the term emotionally unstable personality disorder, but that still implies that my personality is fundamentally flawed. And that I was always going to end up this way. Or that I will be this way forever. Although, perhaps that is something I struggle with too. No matter how well I am, I am always going to be a little ‘unstable’.
I’m a nice person, but I react badly and have low moods and anxiety. That’s the basics of it. I react better than I used to. The therapy helped with that, so that I react better. And between that, the Seroxat and the contraceptive patch I do okay most of the time and my initial reaction isn’t always doom. Or to cut.
Of course that isn’t everything there is to BPD, there’s more, and I won’t deny that over the years I’ve suffered from all the symptoms at one point or another but at the same time, that’s still not me is it? It’s me when I’m ill and suffering surely? Can you change a personality? It doesn’t feel like it. I mean horrible people can become nice people I suppose. Is that the same thing?
I’ve probably written about this before, I’m sure I have in fact, but it’s on my mind now because I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday and another today. I was/am convinced I am a horrible person, a crap person and rubbish at everything. Surely that’s self esteem. People’s self esteem improves without them becoming completely different people.
I mean, I still like a lot of the things I liked as a kid. The same sort of shows and films, just now I get to watch all the ones that had higher ratings. I still like to read. I still like games and writing. I still hate the phone and people and soaps. I was always messy but oddly organised as a kid, that’s definitely not changed. I feel better about myself on some days than I do others, but that doesn’t mean I treat the people around me any differently. Tends to me I’ll be quiet and sad and want to spend more time in bed.
Doesn’t really answer my own question and this is more talking to myself than anything else.
And of course, I am aware that this probably counts as ‘unstable sense of identity’, something I know I still suffer from, even if I’m more sure of who I am than I used to be.