I Am Genderfluid

I am not female.

Not exclusively.

I’m actually genderfluid.

 

Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities.

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It’s not a new thing – more than anything it’s about finding the right word, the right label to use is a new thing I guess. I couple of months ago I decided that was what I was going to use to explain a life time of gender issues. It didn’t solve any problems overnight but there is some satisfaction and some peace in having a label. I like labels, there is clarity in labels. It’s an offcast of the BPD I think, of not knowing who you are for so long means that having some direction, some words, brings me some comfort.

Plus I’m a writer, I like words.

I will probably always present as female – not feminine, but certainly obviously not male either. It’s probably the hair – it’s always been a pain in the ass and the hairdressers makes me too anxious to actually get it cut really short (honest). Oh and the boobs. I mean, I’m a b cup, and depending what I’m wearing they show. Though I find my uniform flattens me out a bit – but it’s a gendered uniform, which I dislike cause I can’t imagine my company letting me wear the male version.

As it is I spend most of my time in the back where no one can see me.

Me
Me

Gender is a funny thing, some people are so sure in it that it never occurs to them that there’s another options. Some people are never sure they are one or the other or another. I’m 33 and I’ve never really felt one or the other. And it’s always been that way, it would be easy to blame my childhood, or my mental health but no six year old cuts their own hair in the middle of the night cause of borderline personality disorder. When I was a kid I wanted to be a boy so badly some days. I told people I wanted to be a boy so I could professional football, but it always felt deeper than that.

For while I was calling the change into the male gender ‘boy mode’ mostly signified to the outside world by a lack of make up and only wearing t-shirts and polo shirts with my jeans. I definitely have a girl mode, a version of me in make up and vest tops. That’s a very superficial side to it, there’s much more, my way of thinking changes slightly, the way I react.

The way I feel.

I’m still me, always me, just sometimes my gender is not the same as the day before.

This doesn’t change or effect my sexuality either.

This doesn’t really effect anything. It shouldn’t at least. I still have bills to pay and a baby on the way and work to do.

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19 Comments

  1. I love that you’ve written about this! I think for so many people gender just seems this fixed thing, one or the other, and you still don’t really hear about people who fall in between the two extremes in the mainstream media.

    I know what you mean about finding the words for things too. It’s like, labels shouldn’t be forced on people, but I still want to find out the right one so I can tell the world!

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x

  2. This is such a brave post. I can imagine that it is so hard to explain something like this to people. Times are always changing and things seem to be much more open to gender variations. Hopefully you will find lots of people to chat to through blogging. Good luck with the baby, such exciting times ahead! Thanks for linking up with us! #bigpinklink

  3. So many people become set in the way they are told to act, what they are told to wear. I have 2 daughters, one is quite a little princessy type, but is slightly becoming a bit more open to ‘boyish’ type things, my other daughter fully loves dinosaurs, cars, trains anything stereotypically boyish. But as they are getting bigger neither are fitting into the ridgid gender stereotype. People should be alloud go become whatever they wish to be, wear what makes them comfortable, do what makes them happy. And if that’s something outside of what is considered ‘the norm’ then they should be supported.
    #KCACOLS

  4. Like you, I like to find words for things. I think you did a wonderful job putting the way you feel into words. This is such a raw, vulnerable, open post, and I applaud you for having the courage to stand up and say “This is me, like it or not!” Few have bravery like that. <3 #KCACOLS

  5. I love this post Bread as it is very honest!! I like how you have explained very clear how you feel. It must have been very hard having all those feelings for so long. I guess not being understood is always the hardest part. I’m sure that this post will be helpful for other people that are going through the same than you and hopefully they will not feel alone anymore. Thanks so much for sharing such a brave and honest post!! I would love to see you again on Sunday!! ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

  6. This is a really interesting post, I wonder if it was hard to explain. The way you have explained it all makes complete sense though…I particularly like the ‘I’m still me, always me’ and the reality that it doesn’t or shouldn’t effect anything. Life still happens as you say…bills, baby etc. I’m sure this will be a useful post for people experiencing questions with their gender or identity and it’s a great post for everyone else. KCACOLS

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