Human Contact

I know I just wrote a post about silence and the lack of human contact in my life on some days, but the stupid thing is, I will go out of my way to avoid human contact if I can.

I don’t have any water because the pipes have frozen up outside (it was -13 on Christmas Eve), and I didn’t know this at the time, I just knew I had no water and I need water. Which means I needed to call my landlord. But they’re closed, cause hello, it’s Christmas, so I needed the emergency mobile number. Which I didn’t have. And needed to get.

My neighbours weren’t in and I was really glad cause I didn’t want to talk to them. Not that they’re horrible or anything, but just because I don’t know them and it was terrifying.

Yesterday, instead of going to see if anybody was in and had the mobile number, I walked to the landlords office in the cold and rain on the off-chance they had put it up on the door. Which they had. Human contact avoided and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

Until I realised I had to call the landlord, and then have plumbers in my flat. Strangers!

The stupid thing is, it wasn’t as bad as I had feared, and I lived through the entire experience, but now, now I’m putting-off calling the landlord again, as we discussed on having no water still, because of some smattering of anxiety rooted deep in my chest.

I want water. I need water.

The anxiety makes me think I could live without it. Which is fucking insane.

And there you have it, the insanity behind me and human contact. I desire it on some occasions, and fear it on others. Fear it irrationally. I know it’s irrational, but that doesn’t seem to make much a difference sometimes. Not when I’m willing to put on a fleece and hat and go out into the rain, instead of go upstairs and knock on my neighbours door.

Sometimes it’s very apt that I live in a basement flat, hidden away with my hamster.

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