This week we feature a guest post from Tiana @ Fire-Work Blog. She talks about self harm in this post, and you may find some of this triggering so please stay safe when reading.
Stress, Self Harm and The Holiday Season
Silver, gold and everything bright
oh the holidays what a sight
People rushing to find the perfect gift
stress filled soul ruin their Christmas spirit
Holidays are wonderful with the colours and sights. On the negative side holidays are filled with stress. Stress is the worst during this time of year. Stress can be accompanied by its friend depression. ‘The holiday blues‘ as they call it. You start getting so stressed out that it actually causes depression.
Mental health is hard to control for the regular 330 days of the year. The last 35 days can be unbearable due to the holidays.
The holidays don’t stress me out but they do make me depressed. Seeing everyone happy filled with Christmas cheer, trees decorated with care and trying to find the perfect gift. I want to be apart of this crowd and I want to be happy also. Sometimes I can’t even afford a tree.
Most people when depressed start to cry. Me? I don’t like crying. To me it makes you look weak. I don’t want to show people that I am weak, thus I self harm.
I have dealt with this disorder for many years. When I self harm I forget all my troubles. For those few seconds, I am free. For me it’s kind of like an out of body experience since half the time I am not sure what I am doing. It’s only when I am done do I feel the regret. Even with the regret, I feel happier.
It is 3am on Christmas morning, I sit in the bathroom with the sharp tool in my hand. I am contemplating whether or not I actually self harm myself. I begin to think about people sleeping, dreaming about what kind of gifts they will wake up to. How they are excited to see reactions of their family members. Then I remember that I don’t even have a tree nor have I even decorated for today. It makes me feel sad. So I put the sharp tool to my skin and slice.
I smile as I watch the blood drip from my skin.
Dropping the tool I start to regret what I did. I shouldn’t be hurting myself over not having things on Christmas. There are things I have: love, a roof over my head… I don’t need gifts, I don’t need a tree.
I begin to feel better as I clean the blood off my skin. It was something I should have not done but it made me feel better. I can now go to bed and not feel upset over anything. Now I just try to hide what I have done.
Listen – I know the holidays can be stressful but there is no reason to stress. Christmas is about being together with loved ones and people you care about. Being grateful for what you have even if you don’t have much. Being nice even to those you hate.
Peace be with you,
If you self harm or are struggling with mental health problems, check out my Mental Health Links Page to find some support.