The film version of the horror show that is Fifty Shades Of Grey is out tomorrow. I can’t not tell you how much I hate these books. For a few reasons. They are badly written plagiarised books of other badly written crappy books. Secondly they are a terrible representation of a BDSM relationship which is just dangerous. Thirdly they are a portrayal of an abusive relationship and pretending it’s some sort of epic romance and something to aspire to. That the main character Grey is a man women should want and not some creepy stalker.
A creepy stalker? Abusive? He assaults her. Yes he does. Don’t believe me? Read this excellent break down of the first book and the first half of the second book – Fifty Abusive Moments in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Now, I’m gonna tell you something I haven’t really talked about much before. A little in therapy and some with my wife but not in public. Not on the blog. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. With an ex, and also with my own father. My dad still uses a little emotional manipulation but he’s much better. Our relationship is a bit crap, strained, but we’re getting along more or less as he gets older and sicker (he has Parkinsons). He stalked me for a while when I was in my twenties, I had to cut off all contact for roughly three years just get out of the pattern of abuse we were in.
My ex, was older than me, and wasn’t awful but it’s hard to be clear on it all to be honest. I remember it differently sometimes I think – or I feel differently about it. Sometimes it’s doesn’t seem too bad, especially compared to what other people have been through (and it was all emotional – nothing physical or sexual) but that doesn’t make it much better I suppose. He threatened to kill himself a couple of times when I tried to leave.
In the end I just left while he was at work.
I didn’t even realise that is was abusive until I was married again. I’m still working through that idea.
So some books that make an abusive relationship look normal, romantic and something to aspired too then make me really angry. There are people from the BDSM community have said it’s not an accurate portrayal of the lifestyle, that it’s so far from it – it’s dangerous and causing people in that community problems.
People aren’t listening to them.He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. At least Santa never tracked my mobile phone and coerced me into an abusive relationship.
If it were a book about an abusive relationship then that would be fine, but it’s not, it’s pretending to be a book about an erotic BDSM relationship.
It’s not as simple as ‘Don’t Like, Don’t Read‘. It’s never that simple. It’s not just a book. We live in a world where books, films and tv shows make a huge impact on our society and the people in it – for better or worse. No one is forcing me to read the book, or watch the film, so I won’t. But I do have to live in a world where these types of relationships are perceived as fine and normal and the abuse isn’t see, understood or is white washed. Where this book is read by millions of women and they think that this is a relationship they want. And I wonder if they really do, if they would want a man who stopped them speaking to their male friends, can’t give them enough space to visit their own mothers (after they have to insist on going to visit her). I could go on.
People don’t listen because they don’t want to listen and I have to wonder why that is. How many of these women have been in or are in relationships similar to this (without the piss poor BDSM element) and are in denial or just don’t realise it. It’s lovely, to be loved, to be wanted, to be the only person my wife thinks about but all that happens without her asking where I am all the time. Demanding that I stop speaking to my friends. Refusing to let me visit my mum. Sometimes I think there’s no hope for people in that level of denial that they can’t look at the facts rationally – about the BDSM aspect, the abuse aspect, the fact that it’s just an awful awful set of books. They have to come to it on their own. Through a bad relationship or other wise.
It’s not just a book. It’s never just a book. The Bible is a book and people are killing each other over it. People live by that book, force other’s to live by that book. Who’s to say that people aren’t going to start living by this book either?
No matter the relationship, you should always be cared for, you should always feel safe and wanted. You should never be property. One person should never have all the power (even in a BDSM style relationship – especially in a BDSM relationship I suspect).
- Fifty Moments in Fifty Shades Of Grey
- 50 Shades is Domestic Abuse
- Fifty Shades is Domestic Abuse FAQ
- 50 Shades of Grey: a film about male power, idealising emotional abuse as sexy when it
- 6 Myths about BDSM Inspired by “50 Shades of Grey”
- Here’s why Fifty Shades of Grey is not good BDSM.
- ‘Disappointing’ Fifty Shades Of Grey Lube Leads To Lawsuit Against Makers LoveHoney
- Sex toy injuries surged after ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ was published