This is going to be hard to write because I’m in the middle of one of the moods I’m going to describe.
Nowadays my depression mostly takes the form of the feeling that I’ve had all the energy sucked out of me, all the life, straight from my mind or my heart or my soul or wherever it lies within me. My anxiety remains the same as ever, but the depression is more off than on, and has this is it’s permanent form. It’s mostly just that I feel grumpy. Not particularly sad, or miserable (I am sad from time to time, but people are), but in these moments, these moments lacking of all energy there is nothing wrong. Sometimes it’s random, sometimes there’s a specific trigger, like hormones or a bad day. Today it’s the bad day, and even though something good happened later on (I got some good news), it’s not enough to energise me out of this. Plus I’m tired, so very tired (more so now this depressive mood has kicked in), and that doesn’t help.
There are a lot of differences from how my depression used to manifest, and they’re good differences, this depression is different, less intense. This time I cope. I am not miserable, or incapable of coming out if before it gets worse and turns into the old depression. This time there are no thoughts of self harm, or over dosing, or anything like that (not that i never think about self-harming but that’s another problem, another post). It’s been almost three years since I last cut myself, and almost as long that I consider it a problem or my go-to coping mechanism.
What do I do now? Nothing really. I’m quiet, I hug my wife, eat my dinner, watch tv, sleep and get up feeling better. It sounds simple, I know, it’s not, but compared to how it was (drink, cut, pass-out, go to work, get stressed out, insomnia, overdose, mix and repeat), it’s a lot better, a lot easier. Even nicer. I struggle to sleep, always have though, and I don’t enjoy all the evenings, or tv shows, or sometimes even dinner or desert. I worry about upsetting or stressing out my wife, I worry that I won’t wake up feeling better, despite evidence to the contrary, but I still try to carry on like normal, cause it has worked in the past. If I don’t wake up feeling better, then I have to deal with that in a different way. Right now I’m pretty sure I need a decent night’s sleep, and a long lie-in. Sleep really effects my mood.
I’m less stressed about the big picture now. I don’t see my future sometimes, but I know it’s there and I know Kate Ellen is there and whatever happens will happen. I’m a lot more laid back about it now. Before everything was blocked off by a black wall.
Is this it now? Is this how my depression will manifest itself for the rest of my life? Unlikely, people change all the time, and depression is just one part of my mental health problems. A large one, though my anxiety is the worst problem, as usual. I have a great understanding and ability to observe and analyse my mental health, not always objectively, but no one can be objective about themselves.
So, to bed, many some music, maybe just some sleep. And if you were wondering, this is what made me laugh.