This is going to be hard to write because I’m in the middle of one of the moods I’m going to describe.

Nowadays my depression mostly takes the form of the feeling that I’ve had all the energy sucked out of me, all the life, straight from my mind or my heart or my soul or wherever it lies within me. My anxiety remains the same as ever, but the depression is more off than on, and has this is it’s permanent form. It’s mostly just that I feel grumpy. Not particularly sad, or miserable (I am sad from time to time, but people are), but in these moments, these moments lacking of all energy there is nothing wrong. Sometimes it’s random, sometimes there’s a specific trigger, like hormones or a bad day. Today it’s the bad day, and even though something good happened later on (I got some good news), it’s not enough to energise me out of this. Plus I’m tired, so very tired (more so now this depressive mood has kicked in), and that doesn’t help.

There are a lot of differences from how my depression used to manifest, and they’re good differences, this depression is different, less intense. This time I cope. I am not miserable, or incapable of coming out if before it gets worse and turns into the old depression. This time there are no thoughts of self harm, or over dosing, or anything like that (not that i never think about self-harming but that’s another problem, another post).  It’s been almost three years since I last cut myself, and almost as long that I consider it a problem or my go-to coping mechanism.

What do I do now? Nothing really. I’m quiet, I hug my wife, eat my dinner, watch tv, sleep and get up feeling better. It sounds simple, I know, it’s not, but compared to how it was (drink, cut, pass-out, go to work, get stressed out, insomnia, overdose, mix and repeat), it’s a lot better, a lot easier. Even nicer. I struggle to sleep, always have though, and I don’t enjoy all the evenings, or tv shows, or sometimes even dinner or desert. I worry about upsetting or stressing out my wife, I worry that I won’t wake up feeling better, despite evidence to the contrary, but I still try to carry on like normal, cause it has worked in the past. If I don’t wake up feeling better, then I have to deal with that in a different way. Right now I’m pretty sure I need a decent night’s sleep, and a long lie-in. Sleep really effects my mood.

I’m less stressed about the big picture now. I don’t see my future sometimes, but I know it’s there and I know Kate Ellen is there and whatever happens will happen. I’m a lot more laid back about it now. Before everything was blocked off by a black wall.

Is this it now? Is this how my depression will manifest itself for the rest of my life? Unlikely, people change all the time, and depression is just one part of my mental health problems. A large one, though my anxiety is the worst problem, as usual. I have a great understanding and ability to observe and analyse my mental health, not always objectively, but no one can be objective about themselves.

So, to bed, many some music, maybe just some sleep. And if you were wondering, this is what made me laugh.

4 thoughts to “Depression 2.0

  • williamkendall1

    Thanks for posting this.

    I’ve been working through my own depression through counselling, and it’s helped. I’ve had them off and on for years, but they’d go away on their own. A couple of years ago, a lot of things family related happened, my sisters ended up doing something awful in regards to my parents, and out of that, a lot of things that I’d kept to myself for years, a lot of negative things, came out rushing all at once. I found myself in a deep depression, staring up at that black wall, feeling hopeless at times.

    Therapy has helped a lot. I’ve been looking at the root causes behind all of it, figuring my way through what led me to that point. I still have bad days, where I’m irritable, but not as many as before. In regards to my sisters, the loathing I felt towards them has faded more into a state where I’ve lost any sense of empathy or connection towards them. They’ve never apologized, never made one step towards making it right, and I’d characterize their behaviour towards me as emotional abuse. There’s only so much poison we can take in our lives before we’ve had enough. My one regret is that it leaves my parents in the middle of a difficult situation.

  • angelnicki

    I have depression issues too and mine have also changed. I am on medicine but I still get depressed sometimes, often because of a random trigger. But on the medicine it is easier to deal with, whereas when I was off medicine if one little thing made me sad or upset I could just go spiraling down forever.

  • Pingback: World Mental Health Day (on kiwi time) | Infinite Sadness… or hope?

  • Pingback: I’m Not Crazy, I’ve Been Tested « Stork Hunting

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *