Like the rest of the normal working humans I take the weekends off.
Except I don’t work.
Well, I don’t have a job, doesn’t mean the rest of the week isn’t hard work. So I take the weekend off from trying, from being a normal human, sociable, awake, whatever.
Everything is a challenge, trying to sleep, being asleep, waking up, getting up, being up. Seeing people, being surrounded by people, talking to people. Leaving the flat, being in the flat. Everything has it’s own issue, and while they’re not all constant, because if they were, I’d be a gibbering wreck, but still every day has it’s own little thing.
So at the weekend, I don’t try. Don’t go out, don’t bother, don’t do anything. I spend at least Saturday being the social outcast/hermit I desperately want to be at times. I sleep in late, leave me phone on silent, don’t go out further than the little shop at the bottom of the hill. I don’t tidy up, or eat properly, or do anything properly really. I suffer through the panic and depression without actually doing anything, I don’t fight against the pull on my heart, my concentration, the ache in my legs.
I don’t nap, I should never nap, it screws up my body clock cause it stops me from sleeping at night. Not that I usually sleep well at night, but still, on occasion at the weekend, I risk it all and nap. Not often, because of everything, the insomnia causes me more stress over the week than anything else sometimes. Anxiety is worse when I sleepless, the depression too, so sleep is pretty important.
I don’t go out on Saturdays often, or I try not to, Saturdays are the busiest days, out in the real world at least. Instead of subjecting myself to the increased population of Aberystwyth and it’s surrounding areas, I stay inside stay away, take the day off from the twists and turns through tourists.
Anyway, so, I take the weekend off, cause sometimes, everything else is as hard work as my full time job was. Except, while I was working full time, I was also going through all this crap too. No wonder I was drinking, self-harming, and generally loosing the plot.