So it’s been six weeks since I started my journey to give up my medication. I went down from 800mg to 600mg and for the last week or so I’ve been taking 400mg.
I feel fine.
I’m actually more worried than I need to be.
I’m worried that I’ll snap. That my temper with get the better of me before I can do anything about it and that this is all a stupid idea and big mistake and it will back fire and I will be in worse shape than before. More than that even, I worry that my temper with get the better of me and I will snap, hit out, hurt someone.
Hurt my wife.
Who is the last person I ever want to hurt.
The thing is I actually don’t have a temper. I’ve lost it three times since I was a kid. Three times. Twice I hit out physically, once verbally. I dislike it, dislike me when I do it. My actual problem isn’t my temper but it is what sparked me starting the mood stabiliser in the first place. I lost my temper with a manager at work (not my direct one), freaking out and swearing at him and basically getting in a shit load of trouble, complaining about him and it was a whole thing.
Basically I felt out of control with my anger and went back to the psychiatrist for more help.
My anger was a problem though. Well, actually the anger wasn’t the problem – everyone gets angry, I still get annoyed and angry and frustrated and a whole bunch of other synonyms. The problem was how I reacted to being angry.
For a long time I held it in.
The first time I self harmed, I let it out and it was the only way I let out my anger for almost ten years. When I got angry I cut myself. It was pretty simple. Over the years other emotions got replaced with self harming too, misery, sadness, happiness, enjoyment. I didn’t feel anything, I just self harmed. I stopped crying, I stopped enjoying stuff, just stopped caring. I self harmed instead.
I actually stopped crying the same time as I started the Seroxat. I started crying again at some point during therapy.
I cry a lot now. My wife will confirm this. It’s healthy, it’s good for you. I mean I get a headache and a bit snotty but overall it’s good. It’s healthy.
So now I don’t self harm I worry about my anger and how I’m dealing with and how I will deal with it. The thing is, I must be dealing with it because my life is bonkers, it’s full of frustrations and I regularly get pissed off with people around me. But I seem to be managing myself fine, because I’m not self harming and I’m coming off the one thing I started and managing my anger fine.
And trust me I have felt angry over the past six weeks.
Currently I’m experiencing some headaches, because I normally take a tablet in the morning and at night, but now I’m down to one 400mg tablet, at night. So I tend to get a headache in the morning. They’re tapering off a little, getting a little easier each day. Little else if affected. Messing around with my Tegretol normally makes me feel a little out of it, I can’t quite get my head working and everything feels slow.
Strangely the nights seems a little too quiet.
I know that sounds weird, I live in a little village on the edge of the middle of nowhere Wales – it’s always quiet. Silent. The two aren’t necessarily connected, i know, but it’s been a stressful week and I do feel a little odd when I lie down at night and it’s silent and quiet and finally the end of the day.
My mood is fine too – according to my wife. I don’t necessarily trust my own judgement when it comes to my mood and my personality. She’s says I’ve been fine, that I haven’t changed. I trust her. She’s the one who has to live with me.
So, in brief – so far so good.
Down to 200mg next!