10 MarBe afraid, but not that afraid.

Scream Now.

This is my mum and Jays dog, Dotty. Terrifying isn’t it? I wouldn’t be too afraid if I were you, she’s actually a bit bonkers, and only really barks at you when you’re on the way out of the house. Worst. Guard Dog. Ever.

Imagine it: You leave your nice house under the watchful eye of Dotty (she’s always watchful, she’s looking for foxes and rabbits in the garden) and the burglars manage to get into your somewhat protected house. I say somewhat protected because the door handle my mums back door was put in upside down and is therefore a bit dodgy. Anyway, the bunglers get in, and you are welcomed by a nice little dog who shakes her little tail so hard she looks like she might explode. They grab the telly and think they’re well in, only to leave the house, get bit by the dog and drop the tv. They leave with nothing, good news, you’ve still got your tv, but it’s in pecies in the garden.

Oops.

Okay, it’s not that bad, if you’re a stranger, you are probably going to get a nip, though from the other dog, Dotty’s uncle, rather than Dot.

My mum’s dogs have been completely bonkers since they got Pip years ago. Pip was a good dog, and she had Charlie, and Smudge. Smudge was the runt, and completely psycho. Starved of oxygen I think when she was born. But that didn’t put my mum off having more puppies from her and keeping one. I said, I knew, puppies of Smudge would be as bonkers, and trouble, but she didn’t listen.

She said they kept Dot because every time people came round to look at/buy the puppies, Dot would hide.

Lies!

The thing is, I would’ve kept her too, because look, look how cute she was when she was a puppy. They were all this cute, but my mum wouldn’t let me buy one off her. Though that had more to do with the fact that I’d have to lend the £140 off her to pay her for the puppy.

She says when these go, they’ll get a rescue whippet, some that sleeps a lot and doesn’t roll around in shit. They’ve had whippets before, and well, whippets don’t really have the right body shape to roll. This is a bit different to “Right, no more dogs!” that she was spouting a few months ago, so we’ll see. At one point, we had seven dogs, three whippets, two very old jack russells, one parsons jack russell and a cairn terrier.

That was crazy.

08 MarArt Therapy One

Art Therapy One

This is a picture I did in Art Therapy while at FDL. Don’t ask me about the therapy/talking half of the session, cause I can’t remember if I talked at all, let alone what I may have talked about. The staff will have you believe that everything had a reason behind it, that there is a reason behind this, meaning in this picture. And there probably is, I’m not going to support or deny that. All I’m going to say is, it looks rude, to me. It did when I drew, and it does now.

I’ve scanned a few bits in, I thought it was no different than posted about the jumble of my mind, or bits of poetry about me and my feelings, and it isn’t, I’m just not used to it in this setting perhaps. Written words I’ve always shared easily, all over, but this is a little different. I’ve 48 pieces of Art Therapy, and some make me uncomfortable still. But I’ve put some of the ones that make me less uncomfortable on here on flickr, and will post them to the blog every now and again and maybe even try and tell you what was going on when I drew it.

If I can remember.

07 MarFairy Glass

Fairy Glass

If in doubt, or lack of words, my flickr is full.

06 MarPink Is For Boys

I’ve changed the theme for my blog again, as you can see. I get bored easily, I can’t settle down to anything online usually. I like to chop and change as much as I can. If I can. Some people have the same usernames, emails, etc for years and years. I like change. Or I just can’t get make my mind up. Depends on how you look at it.

So now we’re in the pink.

I used to hate pink when I was a teenager, it was one of my few serious rebellions. That an wearing shoes to school and going to assembly. Pink was a girl thing, and I was definitely no girl, like I am definitely no lady. A woman yes, but not a lady. My sister pointed out to me on Thursday I must be the only woman who doesn’t care about her body image, and while that’s wrong for a couple of reasons, over all, I’m not that bothered, most of the time. I calculated it to be 70% of the time I don’t care about my body. When I say calculated, I mean, I decided 70% was a good number and ran with it.

Anyway, this isn’t about that, this is about the colour pink.

I’ve always been a ‘tom-boy’. Until I was six I had long hair, and then one night I cut it all off. myself. My parents went mental, it was school picture day. I hate wearing shoes, skirts, mascara baffles me (it just clogs my eyes up so I can’t see), only a few years ago did I figure out how to put eye-liner on. My friend decided I needed to wear and own shoes, heels no less. the last time I wore heels of any kind was in school, and I hate them. In the last two years I wore black trainers that barely made the uniform (barely).

Pink is a girls colour. Or it is now, and I like pink again, hot pink mostly, flourescent pink. I have florescent pink socks. My blog was blue for about three days last week, but I’ve gone off blue, despite it being one of my top colours. I attribute that to being mostly because it’s supposed to be for boys, and that it’s the colour of Coventry City Fc, my favourite football team. It’s a remnant from childhood, my like of the colour blue.

Though occasionally, I think it odd that we have favourite colours at all, it’s an odd thing about humans. I’m pretty sure animals do not have favourite colours.

Off-point.

So pink used to be for boys, once upon a time:

The people who were traditionally dressed in pink and called girls were boys. Pink was considered the traditional colour for boys and blue for girls in the 19th century. In 1927, there was a report about Princess Astrid of Belgium who had decorated her son’s room pink, only for her to give birth to a daughter. Part of the reason why blue may be seen as the traditional colour for girls is because the Virgin Mary is dressed in blue. Right until the mid-15th century, all children were referred to as girls, boys were called “knave girls” and girls were called “gay girls”. The word “boy” originally meant “servant”.

This is quoted from QI, via The British Comedy Guide.

This isn’t why the blog is pink. I just like pink. Why? I don’t know, I used to like pink, like every little girl I’m sure, though I don’t remember so you’d have to ask my mum (cause she was there) or my sister because she remembers everything (but can’t spell any of it).

05 MarFrom Soulless City to Aberystwyth

I’ve just moved from Leicester to Aberystwyth. From a city to a town. From a population of 294,700 to a population of 15,935. Roughly speaking and depending on who you ask.

I don’t actually have any friends in Aberystwyth as yet, but I know plenty of people already because I’ve been to Mind every week since I moved more or less for lunch and a chat and much tea. So I know faces and names. And I see people on the streets of this small town most days I’m out (being somewhat social phobic/anxious I’m not always out a lot but still) and I find it quite surreal.

In Leicester I had friends and knew dozens of people. Worked with dozens and dozens of people and was in the city centre most days for one reason or another over the last year especially. I could go six months in Leicester and not see a single person I know, not a single face I vaguely recognise. Once a week I see someone I recognise here in Aberystwyth and it boggles my brain a little.

And the fact that it boggles my brain is a bit silly, because I used to live here, in this area, and did so for almost ten years. In the village near our house you bumped into someone you knew everyday, on the bus to school you had friends, when you went into town, either of the Abers (Aberystwyth or Aberaeron) you’d see someone you knew from school.

Almost ten years and I seem to have forgotten this way of life, seem to have forgotten how many people there are around me, that aren’t faceless, nameless, soulless (that’s a bit extreme but still a valid point). It doesn’t help that I didn’t go out much when I was living in Leicester, not if I could help it. Social phobia my doctor called it, whatever, I still suffer from great anxiety sometimes when it comes to leaving the flat, or my comfort zone (which extends to the local spar). I try however to keep going out, though the fact that I recognise the odd person about doesn’t really give me much incentive, as much as I like the idea of it all, I like anonymity too. I like to be hidden, a hermit, it just happens to be very bad for my mental health.

I’m also shit at small talk. Or I think I am. If I don’t know someone very well, I’m not really much of a conversationalist. Unless I’ve had a bit to drink. And I hate having to force out the usual crap about the weather, celebrities and whatever. The international languages. Weather, celebrities, football.

I just realised I don’t really know where I’m going with all this. I don’t really know how I feel about. It’s nice, not everything around me is so empty any more. Leicester was like that so often, an empty push and pull of people everywhere. But it comes with risks of conversation, small talk, hell, just risks of social interaction, and I know hermitage it bad for me, but sometimes, I love it so. Only sometimes mind, other times it tears me apart, to be alone. To just be me and She-Ra: Hamster Of Power.

Today, is actually neither of those days. I’ve no interested in being to social butterfly, but I’m not lonely either. I’m just okay. I’m okay a lot of the time these days, and okay, is much better than not good, not well, not anything at all.

04 MarI’ve Never Been To Scotland

I’ve never been to Scotland,
having lived in Wales however
I figure I can’t be missing much.
Rain, hills, sheep.
Both shit at football,
decent at rugby, on occasion at least.

Though here on the Welsh coast
we have to order out for our heroin,
to the Midlands, Liverpool, Bristol,
I’m sure Scotland gets theirs in house.

My friend loves it there,
I know she does, I don’t doubt it,
and I love it here,
despite the rain, hills, sheep.

Come world cup time
I’ll remember I was born in England,
they’re remotely better
but the country so different,
despite it connecting the celts.

Me and my friend,
we’re so far apart
but I think we’re quite alike,
quite alone,
surrounded by rain, hills, sheep.

r.l.w

It occurs to me, eventually, I will visit Scotland, and this poem will be defunct. For now however…

02 MarMediocrity

She wants butterflies, but gets bees,
wants the flutter of sensation
but has the constant drone of doubt
in everything she does
and everyone she loves,
her heart isn’t quite in it,
her mind not quite with us.
We’re closer to the stars than ever
but still so far away,
it’s not enough for satisfaction,
she’ll bend but not break away,
knows there are sacrifices to be made
the fear
has her falling
through mediocrity instead.

r.l.w

01 MarDydd Gŵyl Dewi Sant Hapus

Mae heddiw yn Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Sant yn Cymru.

Translation:  Today is Saint Davids Day in Wales.

o celebrate this fact we have Eisteddfods in schools up and down the country. It’s a bit like a talent competition. There is a national one every year in the summer. Kids read poetry, write essays, do skits and plays. My nephew this year is reading poetry and disco dancing. We also wear stupid hats and eat welsh cakes. I suspect many of us eat welsh cakes the rest of the year but don’t wear the hats. And by stupid hats, I mean this:

Posted Image
(I dunno who this kid is, it was just on google images poor thing)

Quick call childline!

Yes, we subject our children to this every year. Poor kids.

Our national flower is the daffodil, which the cancer charity nicked off us to get some money, bastards, and we like leeks. Apparently. We also eat Cawl here. I love cawl. Translation: Soup, but it somewhere between a soup and a beef stew. And yummy. And has leeks in it. If you don’t put leeks in your cawl you’re either shot or sent across the Severn Bridge to Bristol.

We also like Sheep, apparently. Here is a sheep from the previous post:
Posted Image
(found this on the prom here in Aberystwyth).

For more information about Saint David go here it’s a pretty good link.

All I really remember about him from Primary school is the story about him raising the ground so everyone could see and hear him. Not as cool as slaying a dragon (See St. George) but then, he never had made his people wear funny hats still a millennium or so later.

The Welsh are good (ish) at rugby, (very) shit at football, and we hate the English, but only when it suits us, because without their money we’d be fucked. But we do get free prescriptions, so that’s really put one on them.

(I’d like to point out I was born in England, moved to Wales when I was ten, but was never made to wear a funny hat. Or shag a sheep.)

28 FebIn which we discover zombies are more interesting than BPD

I was trying to decide what to write about. Zombies? Space: The third to last frontier? My discharge summary and diagnosis?

Which is the more important? The zombies? Certainty more important if they’re knocking down your door, but generally, not a threat to my life.

The third to last frontier? Funny, possibly, but parodies have been done before, and the exploration of a decent sandwich and a lie down don’t really have much sway in the grand scheme of things.

The diagnosis? Probably important, if it actually made any difference to my day to day life. Zombies would, but three letters telling me what I already knew? Meh.

The letters, the diagnosis, actually mean little to the people suffering from these things most of the time I’ve found. Some people, some, really like having a diagnosis, like it brings some sort of clarity to their lives. And I’ve never really understood it. I understand that it helps people get help from medical/mental health services, that’s the good of a diagnosis, but as personal clarification of everything you knew about yourself anyway? Nah.

I’m not arguing with the diagnosis I’ve been given, I guess I’m not really saying anything at all, I’m just sort of rambling until I can collect my thoughts together about zombies.

I’ve had a bad couple of weeks, off and on, up and down. Gotten a bit miserable, very anxious, quite obsessive.  I got the letter in the last week or so, and it’s pretty much changed nothing. It’s certainly not helped me sleep, hell the zopiclone didn’t even help me sleep. Except Wednesday, that was nice, but other than that, I think I’m done with zopiclone now, I can’t imagine the doctors increasing the dose they’re going to give me. Considering they don’t like giving it to me at all. I get a weeks worth, every now and again. Though the last doctor I saw, was brilliant (/sarcasm). He told me doesn’t give out sleeping tablets, and then gave me some sleeping tablets. And he only really has my word on the fact that my old GP used to give me zopiclone now and again because they don’t have my medical records yet. Actually, it’s probably best they didn’t.

Apparently, asking for some medical records urgently, means it takes longer for them to be sent through to your new GP. That’s good isn’t? See that’s the real problem here.

Tomorrow (or so) Zombies. Much more interesting, to me and you.

24 FebGun-Toting Sheep

Gun Toting Sheep